August 06, 2008

It's been a year ma

And a lot of people miss you.

Bauang misses you.

And God knows how much i miss you.

Forgetting, they say, is choosing not to remember. But i do remember. No matter what I do. I try hard to be surrounded by people, just to entertain myself, to stop myself from dwelling on how much i wanna be with you. Yesterday, i stayed at the library until evening. And i passed the time by looking at the books people read - HIV, making friends, nursing review, a biographical entry in Encyclopedia Americana, a thin reading, Calculus. In the dorm, it is good not to go home to an empty room, because there's someone to talk to.

But at the end of the day, when everyone's asleep, the feeling that i try hard to drown resurfaces ma. And it's not even being angry at the murderers nor is it about self pity having no mom to check on me daily.

I think about you ma. And how i wish to hold you. How i wish to talk to you and tell you my secrets. How i wish to sleep beside you at night and have breakfast with you in the morning. How i wish to walk hand in hand with you. How i wish to kiss you when i get home. How i wish to stop you from shopping. How i wish to comment on your fashion style. How i wish to disagree with how you run the house and our family. How i wish to joke about my upcoming wedding. How i wish to annoy you with my practical jokes. How i wish to make you feel guilty when you go out for your so called social functions while i stay home. How i wish to get angry at you when you can't explain what happened in that TV show you were watching. How i want to get all the stuff you stock in my room because there's no more space for them in your room. How i want to stop you from being so generous to your relatives. How i want to be your bratty daughter. How i wish to say i love you after every phone call.

How i wish you were here, alive.

I miss you so much ma and the good person that you are.

I love you so much.

All the more, i want to go to heaven already. Just to give you another hug ma. But you won't like that. Because i know, you want your children living a full life.

And i'll do just that ma. I'll do that.

1 comment:

Chureezee said...

Sigh. Muntik na akong maluha sa post na ito, Rianne. I know that's not helping, pero wala, gusto ko lang sabihin.

*internet hug*