September 18, 2007

Dear Ma,

I always ask God that if it be possible, He become a messenger for me. I want to always tell you that I miss you so much and I'll love you until the day I die.

Its been more than a month Ma. At times, i still deceive myself. That I'm just away from home for law school, that you are waiting for me at home, that you're just too busy to call, that you are not sending me text messages because you don't want to disturb me.

The pain is really unbearable, to realize that I'll never get to hear your voice again nor hold your hand nor could I rest my head on your shoulders.

I miss you so much Ma.

I wish I could go home in La Union and see you open the front door and hug you. Then you'll prepare food because you know I don't eat that much when I travel, to avoid barfing my life out. You'll drink coffee while I eat. Then you'll listen to my endless stories. I'll clean up while you prepare my room and replace the covers.

I wish you could appear here just as you said in your last phone call, the night before you passed away. I wish for the guard to buzz my room saying you are downstairs. Then I'll tell her to let you in at once. Then you'd be at my door with your precious bag slung around your left shoulder and a box of the goodies I said I wanted to have from La Union when you've called me the day before.

Or I wish you'd send me a message asking me to go to Kabayan at once because you are already there trying to get some sleep. I wish I could ride the elevator and look for your room either at the sixth or at the seventh floor where we'll argue what channel to watch or how loud the volume of the television would be that night.

Ma, I wish I can sleep beside you again and hug you when it's cold. I wish I can make your cellphone ring once or twice if i need to tell you something so that you'll give me a call in a minute or two. I wish the personalized tone I assigned for you will play once again. I wish your photo will appear in my cellphone screen indicating that i have a message from you.

I wish, we could go to Gateway so that I can stop you from shopping and convince you albeit always unsuccessfully that you can get better clothes in Baguio's ukay ukay. I wish I could tell you once more that you order too much food when we eat out or that you have too many clothes or own too many pairs of shoes. I miss travelling with you.

I wish we can laugh about my stories and your stories or share a little gossip here and there. I wish I can see again that look in your face when i offer to prepare you a cup of my special mix of coffee. I wish to hear you tell me to stop plucking my eyebrows and to stop staring at the mirror while i eat.

I wish I can convince you again to stay home when you'd go out bowling or ballroom dancing. I wish I can see my bedroom box full of chips and chocolates each time I'd be home. I wish you'd be there to stay up late making all sorts of 'i can't sleep' excuses, when Homer visits. I wish to receive your hourly messages whenever i go to Apayao.

Ma, I miss how you ask me if it's raining here or if there's a power outage or if i ate already or if i didn't forget to drink my medicine or if i still eat fruits or vegetables. Ma, I miss your encouragement. I miss you telling me that everything is alright. Ma, I miss you being so proud of me. I miss you asking me how I am and what i need, what I want. I miss you calling me just because you miss my voice.

I love you so much Ma. I am not exactly sure of what lies ahead. I hope when the Bible speaks of a reunion, it'd mean a reunion where i'd still be your Rianne and you'd still be my Mama. So we can walk the streets of gold together like we do everywhere.

I hope to see you again Ma. I hope to hear from you. Even just in my dreams.



Anonymous said...

hi Rianne,

Thank you for sharing this. It also made me realize how precious each moment is with our loved ones.
Yes, she's still there watching over you, and, as cliche as it may sound, she lives in your memories.


Anonymous said...

Hiya Rianne,

My Gosh! I was moved by reading your your blog regarding your Ma, and made me think how much i miss mine too. I may not know u personally but will pray for you and your Ma and hopefully you will come throught this difficut time.

Take care, M

Anonymous said...

i feel for you. i'm praying for you.. i hope u'll soon get over the pain you're going through right now... Gold never sleeps,so u don't have to worry about things right now. God is there--watching...

Anonymous said...

i feel for you. i'm praying for you.. i hope u'll soon get over the pain you're going through right now... God never sleeps,so u don't have to worry about things right now. God is there--watching...

myla said...

Hello Rianne,

Blogspot is again semi-working here in China after several months of being banned and once again, I am able to read your entries.

I am sending you my sincerest condolences. Your entries say so much about the pain you are going through. Maybe your entries are not enough to express how difficult it is for you to lose your mom but they're enough to touch the hearts of your readers.

I won't tell you to be strong because judging from your other entries, I know that you are. Justice will be served. If is is not served here, we know that it will be somehow. For we know that our God is a just God.

I will join those who are praying for it.