September 30, 2007

I love you mama

I woke up crying and feeling so incomplete and the second didn't pass without me knowing why i felt so. I miss you ma. I wish i'd hear you call me by my name again or lovingly call me nakkong when it is something serious.

But I am glad i went to Sunday service this morning, because i was reminded from Ptr. Michael's message that no matter how insurmountable my circumstances are, they'd be nothing in light of eternity and the inheritance that awaits me in heaven.

There. I'll see you again ma. And we will worship God in heaven forever.

September 21, 2007

He killed her

I know most of you will tell me that he does not deserve to be posted in my blog. What, that it's atrocious. I myself want to delete him from my memory forever. Of course, i don't want to remember his face. I don't even want to know that he exists. I want to forget everything about him.

But guess what, i need to pray for him, the person who shot my mother. Itago natin siya sa pangalang Rogelio. (And i blurred his facial profile if you noticed.) He is the man who, at close range, fired a gun lodging a .45 caliber bullet in my mom's brain causing her instant death.

Yes you may say that. I know. I studied it. Innocent unless proven guilty beyond reasonable doubt. But please indulge this orphan.

Last August 6, several of our neighbors saw him approach my mom in front of our house. He took a gun from his waist. My mom gave a shout, covered her face with a green file bag. Then came the shot, which went through the bag, then through her chin, then to her brain. This man made a phone call to an unknown person and rushed south. The bullet was recovered from her head in the autopsy. He was captured a couple of hours later.

Yes, i'm telling you the story. This is the story that i don't want to recount. The story that kept me from telling my friends what happened. It's because i don't want to explain. I don't want to remember.

I saw this man August 7, the day after he killed mama. My sister and i saw him, sitting on a monoblock chair inside his small jail cell. His head was bowed.

Of course, we immediately asked him why. He told us he wanted to get her bag, that was why. So we told him he didn't get the bag. It was so easy to get a dead person's bag. So why. He couldn't explain it. I asked him if that was how he robbed people. Jog along the highway in a barrio with a gun with him. Spot a woman with a bag. Approach her. Shoot her. Then run away. Robbery 101. He couldn't explain it.

You know, no, he never ever heard bad words coming from us. Never. We were calm. We only asked questions. We even prayed for him, lengthily. For God to enlighten his mind. For the truth to come out. For love, for forgiveness.
You see, God helps those in need. He is in need. We are in need. So we need prayer.

Later on, I saw him wipe his tears with his orange shirt while we were praying.

Immediately after the prayer, he knelt down, still wiping his tears. "Agpakawanak manang. Madi diay inaramid ko. Agpakpakawanak."

Translate: Forgive me. What i did was wrong. Forgive me.

Yes, Rogelio, we forgive you. But you have to face the consequences too.
From the start, we prayed so hard for love already, to be able to forgive, to be able to forget. Now, I am angry, yes. But i don't hate him.

God said, it is His to avenge. God said that we should not repay evil with evil but with blessing. That's hard you know. Obviously.

But I am sure God was at work at that time even now. I couldn't have asked my sister that we pray for the man whom we should abhor if it weren't for His grace.

I have faith that God is at work.

So please pray with us. This man has a private lawyer representing him. It's ironic isn't it, that the man who was supposed to rob my mom, surprisingly, can afford a private lawyer.

For us, nobody wants to take the case.

Simply two things. It is either they have kids and they don't want to die yet OR the case is too politicized they don't want to be used.

And where does that leave us? Well, there's no private prosecutor yet, until now. So, we are praying for grace and protection for the fiscal/s assigned to the case.

Please pray that Rogelio, by some miracle, will tell the whole truth and bring justice to my mom's senseless death.

Please pray for a fair trial. Please pray for the truth to come out. Please pray that the person/s responsible for her death will be held liable.

Please pray for a speedy trial. Please pray for the protection of the witnesses. Please pray for the impartiality of all the persons who are involved.

Please pray for our family's protection.
Earlier this year, after unknown men in motorcycles fired shots at our house last May 14, my mom ordered me and my sister to go out of Bauang at once. We did. But we went home in a couple of days. We wanted to accompany her.

You know what she said, she said 'who will be left to fight for us, if the three of us will all die.' We were able to convince her that my sis and my life are not in danger. That is why we wanted to be there. If we abandoned the house then it is so much easier to target her when she goes home, even with close in security.

At some point, when all the lawyers didn't want to take our case, we were so dismayed. We wanted to leave things to take their own course. But our mom told us, the one who survives must fight. But somehow, we are left so helpless. As simple as getting a private lawyer is so elusive.

But I am God's child. We are fighting our battle in the spiritual realm now. I know He knows and sees what is happening. I know my Mom is happy where she is.

I was talking to a friend earlier and i was telling her that my only regret is that my mom was not able to wait for the time when she does not have to work, when all she'll think about is herself, her hobbies, her leisure.

She told me, she is already a Dona where she is. And it is true. Nothing, nothing not even all the world's riches will compare to what awaits us in heaven. To be there with our creator is the best thing that can ever happen to someone, in fact, it is that one great hope that all Christians look forward to. Precious in the eyes of God is the death of His saints.

So i am praying for God's will. God is a God of justice. Please stand with us in prayer.

Thank you dear friends.

September 18, 2007

Dear Ma,

I always ask God that if it be possible, He become a messenger for me. I want to always tell you that I miss you so much and I'll love you until the day I die.

Its been more than a month Ma. At times, i still deceive myself. That I'm just away from home for law school, that you are waiting for me at home, that you're just too busy to call, that you are not sending me text messages because you don't want to disturb me.

The pain is really unbearable, to realize that I'll never get to hear your voice again nor hold your hand nor could I rest my head on your shoulders.

I miss you so much Ma.

I wish I could go home in La Union and see you open the front door and hug you. Then you'll prepare food because you know I don't eat that much when I travel, to avoid barfing my life out. You'll drink coffee while I eat. Then you'll listen to my endless stories. I'll clean up while you prepare my room and replace the covers.

I wish you could appear here just as you said in your last phone call, the night before you passed away. I wish for the guard to buzz my room saying you are downstairs. Then I'll tell her to let you in at once. Then you'd be at my door with your precious bag slung around your left shoulder and a box of the goodies I said I wanted to have from La Union when you've called me the day before.

Or I wish you'd send me a message asking me to go to Kabayan at once because you are already there trying to get some sleep. I wish I could ride the elevator and look for your room either at the sixth or at the seventh floor where we'll argue what channel to watch or how loud the volume of the television would be that night.

Ma, I wish I can sleep beside you again and hug you when it's cold. I wish I can make your cellphone ring once or twice if i need to tell you something so that you'll give me a call in a minute or two. I wish the personalized tone I assigned for you will play once again. I wish your photo will appear in my cellphone screen indicating that i have a message from you.

I wish, we could go to Gateway so that I can stop you from shopping and convince you albeit always unsuccessfully that you can get better clothes in Baguio's ukay ukay. I wish I could tell you once more that you order too much food when we eat out or that you have too many clothes or own too many pairs of shoes. I miss travelling with you.

I wish we can laugh about my stories and your stories or share a little gossip here and there. I wish I can see again that look in your face when i offer to prepare you a cup of my special mix of coffee. I wish to hear you tell me to stop plucking my eyebrows and to stop staring at the mirror while i eat.

I wish I can convince you again to stay home when you'd go out bowling or ballroom dancing. I wish I can see my bedroom box full of chips and chocolates each time I'd be home. I wish you'd be there to stay up late making all sorts of 'i can't sleep' excuses, when Homer visits. I wish to receive your hourly messages whenever i go to Apayao.

Ma, I miss how you ask me if it's raining here or if there's a power outage or if i ate already or if i didn't forget to drink my medicine or if i still eat fruits or vegetables. Ma, I miss your encouragement. I miss you telling me that everything is alright. Ma, I miss you being so proud of me. I miss you asking me how I am and what i need, what I want. I miss you calling me just because you miss my voice.

I love you so much Ma. I am not exactly sure of what lies ahead. I hope when the Bible speaks of a reunion, it'd mean a reunion where i'd still be your Rianne and you'd still be my Mama. So we can walk the streets of gold together like we do everywhere.

I hope to see you again Ma. I hope to hear from you. Even just in my dreams.


September 09, 2007

To leave or to not leave

Where i live

September 02, 2007

Wanted: Criminal Lawyer


Please send us a good lawyer - someone who wouldn't mind the evident political color of the case he will be embroiled in, someone who wouldn't fear Voldemort's clout, someone who is fair, good, meticulous, Godly, brave and principled.