August 29, 2007

Dear God,

You gave me very wonderful parents.

My dad used to get up early just to cook breakfast for me. When i didn't want what's on the table, i'd complain; then, he'd prepare another meal for me.

Recently, i just saw my old travel itinerary back in 2001. There, my mom listed down the time of each phonecall and where i was at that time; and copied there each text message i sent from NAIA until i reached my final destination.

Lord, at 26, the two people who valued me like nothing else in this world is more precious are both gone. And i am with the hope that they are in a state of conscious joy in your presence, free from the cares of this world.

But i still hope they can see me, or listen to me, or for that matter i hope they still know me. If so, can i ask you to be my messenger? Or can they roam the earth so that they will just stay with me all the time?

Lord, my finite mind cannot fathom your reasons. But i have faith that you'll take care of me and make me well.

I don't know how many deaths i have yet to face, but please God, not in the near future, please, not soon.

I know you don't give us anything we cannot bear.

And its hard. I can not even begin to explain how hard and painful it is. And why the recent loss had to happen that way.

But Lord, i thank you for my friends. Thank you for my extended family. Thank you for the people who care for me. Thank you that i have a good relationship with my only sister. Thank you for your provision.

Lord, please give me more faith to hold on, to You alone. Please give me more love to forgive. Please give me more grace to have the strength and ability to move on.

Love,
Rianne

August 24, 2007

Grief from her

Ate's post

August 19, 2007

Memory

I wish i can record all the words you told me, all the laughter we shared. I wish i can freeze all your embraces so that i can feel it when i want to. I wish i can play every moment we were together, blow by blow, detail by detail. I wish i can press a button to make you appear and see your smile. I wish i can make you materialize out of thin air so that you can check on me once again in my room. I wish i can face you once again while eating at the restaurant. I wish you will be beside me once again while we walk to where we are going. I wish i can sit beside you again to be able to nudge you awake when you're about to fall asleep.

I miss you mama.

August 18, 2007

Grief

The pain is unbearable
I can't explain it
I want to shout and be angry
I want everything to stop

I'm even tired of asking why
I miss her so much
I want to die and join her
But she wants me to live

And move on
And have a good life
But how can i?
When she's gone

All the things
I have been striving for
Are dedicated to her
I wanted her to be happy

I wanted to offer her
The best life
She could ever wish for
While she's living

But she's there
Somewhere
Where there's no pain
Where all is gay
Where there's no sadness
All is blissful

And i have to accept it
Because she wants me to
Because she taught me how
Because she loved me
To the ends of her being
I love her
I miss her

Someday we'll meet again
And before that time comes
I'll try to live
And breathe
Because she bore me in her womb
And raised me up like this.

I owe her that.

August 01, 2007

Quarter life

Lately, i am realizing that i love the science of everything. In my mind, i invariably play a discussion on the nature and occurence of things when i see them. Condensation of water vapor on my green water bottle, the expansion of warm air in a low pressure area, the chemical reaction of oxygen in my banana flambe, force multiplied by distance as a technique in carrying my overweight school bag.

I am a sucker for information so i surf a lot. Yes, i do at least ten google searches a day - finding answers to inane questions like why there's a sudden ringing in my ears and why exactly getting wet from a slight drizzle makes us sick.

And why do i miss programming? I miss the structured statements and the reusable objects, the flawless logic and brevity of algorithms and the excitement of a written program working for the very first time. I won't mind finding that single semi-colon making everything awry.

Now, ask me where i am and what i am doing. It somehow doesn't add up. But yeah, math is fun too.